Double Surgery

Crazy couple days. Both my mom and my brother are going in for surgery on the same day at the same time and my mom doesn't even know about my brother. My mom is getting a hip replacement and is nervous but very excited to be getting this surgery because it has been so painful for her to walk or do anything really with her bad hip. She's at the hospital now and should be going in for surgery any time now. My dad is with her. We shockingly found out two days ago that my brother, Russ, needs to have emergency open heart surgery. He has felt off for about nine months and has serious pain in his chest when he works out. He's had a lot of tests done, mostly on his lungs and they haven't been able to find anything wrong. He had a stress test done in the hospital two days ago and it was abnormal. They did another test confirming that he has three blockages in his heart. He was told he cannot go home and was transferred to another hospital right away for emergency open heart surgery. He's there now waiting to go in for surgery at any time. Darcy is with him. When my dad found out about Russ, he did not want my mom to know about it because he was very concerned that she would postpone her own surgery, which she needs very badly. So we've all been keeping the news about Russ from her and it has been so strange. I keep being nervous we're all going to text on the wrong thread and she's going to hear about it that way. My dad already accidentally texted me and Courtney on my mom's phone about Russ and had to delete it before she saw. So that's been kind of stressful. Russ was supposed to have surgery yesterday and was put to sleep for it and prepped and everything but when they went to put in the catheter, there was an issue that had to postpone surgery. So now he's having it this morning. Russ should go in around 11:00 and my mom should go in around 12:40. Both my mom and Russ are on tables in gowns at the same time in separate hospitals ready for surgery and my mom doesn't even know. It's crazy. The rest of the family is all praying for them and just has to wait now to hear that everything goes well. My moms surgery is a couple hours and Russ's surgery is 5-6 hours. Honestly, I can't wait for this day to just be over and to know everyone is ok. 

Russ yesterday:

Coronavirus (Covid-19)

If you had told me a month ago that school would be cancelled for the rest of the year, church on Sundays and all church meetings during the week would be cancelled completely, all stores, other than grocery stores and some other essential stores, would be mandatorily closed including the library, movie theaters, malls, all sports, including professional sports-cancelled, all concerts-cancelled, all parks-closed, Disneyland, Legoland, all theme parks-closed, beaches-closed, the only way that my kids would be able to socialize with their friends is through phone calls or apps or Facetime, people wearing masks on their face at the grocery stores, essential items like toilet paper and paper towels and hand sanitizer-sold out everywhere, every person, other than those essential stores mentioned earlier, asked to work from home and only leave your house unless absolutely necessary....if you had told me all of that a month ago, I would have said you're crazy.  But that's EXACTLY what we are living right now. Not just our city of Carlsbad, but our entire COUNTRY, and much of the entire WORLD.

All because of a virus. A coronavirus. Named Covid-19. A virus that is spreading rapidly throughout the world infecting people and killing people. Today, there are over 1,400,000 infected worldwide, there have been over 80,000 deaths worldwide, (over 13,000 in the US alone), and the United States seems to be the most affected country. 

It all started in China. I think near the end of 2019. There is a lot of speculation so I don't know the exact facts-I don't think anyone knows for absolute sure at this point. But it sounds like it started at a food market in Wuhan, China. People who were at the market ended up getting sick, most likely from exposure to an infected animal there at the market. The market was closed on January 1, 2020. But the damage had been done. Those who were infected started quickly infecting other people. The virus is obviously very contagious. People from China then visited other countries, infecting people along the way and spreading the disease all over the world in a matter of a couple months. The main symptoms are fever, cough, and shortness of breath. So those with respiratory problems will have a harder time fighting it. People with respiratory issues and senior citizens are most at risk, however, it can affect anyone. And some people might be asymptomatic, meaning they have the virus but have no symptoms the entire course of the virus. And some people are pre-symptomatic, meaning they have very mild symptoms to the point where they don't really even realize they have it until it gets worse. It is spread through droplets-so coughing, sneezing, people who tend to spit when they talk, clearing your throat with your mouth open, even breathing can produce droplets in the air. I read this in an article: "If you’re standing right next to someone who is infected and they’re talking to you, or, say, if you’re in a room full of singers who are projecting their voices in an enclosed space, there are going to be droplets in the air, and yes, you could inhale them." So doctors are telling us to stay home as much as possible. Only leave if it's necessary to avoid the virus from spreading. We've been told to keep a distance of 6 feet between people outside of our homes, and it's been highly recommended to now wear a face mask whenever you do leave your home. 

Fast food chains and restaurants are open for the most part. But for takeout only. All restaurants have closed off their seating so that people can only grab food and go. Many restaurants are offering curbside pick up only so you don't even go into the restaurant. Some restaurants are closed completely. Chris had I have been doing a date night once a week where we've been going out to get dinner (takeout) and then eat it in the car, either in the parking lot, or once we drove to a cliffside and watched the ocean while we ate. We went to In and Out two weeks ago and it was so crazy because the drive-thru line was insanely long and the rest of the parking lot was completely dead. It's crazy because about 3 weeks earlier, Chris and I went to that same parking lot, same night of the week (Saturday), but a different restaurant (  ), and you couldn't even find a parking spot. The difference was shocking. 

The government has basically shut down the economy. Many people are working from home but many just aren't working period. Like all of those people who work at those places I mentioned earlier that have closed (theme parks, libraries, small shops, big shops, theaters, clothing stores, salons, etc.) So there are going to be a lot of suffering businesses. Because of this, the President came out with a stimulus package. A $2 trillion relief fund that all Americans will receive. And also a certain amount that he's giving small businesses. Chris works at Chase bank and he went from going to work at 9ish to about 4:00 Monday through Friday before the virus, to now working at home from 8:00am to 8:00pm and working on the weekends as well. At first I was so confused why he was working so much all of the sudden. In his 10 years working at the bank, he has NEVER worked this much. But he told me it's because all of the businesses everywhere need loans to help themselves during this crazy pandemic, which means bankers like Chris working overtime to help these businesses get their loans as quickly as possible. Which means he's on the phone constantly, writing over 100 emails daily, trying to make things happen. It's crazy and it's a lot but we are so grateful he has a good, secure job.  

So what does our life at home look like? Well, once they announced that schools would be closing (on March 13th), we took it easy at home that first week. We just kind of hung out and relaxed. The girls played with their toys a bunch and Mason read a lot and played with Ashton on the tablet. I know some families started homeschooling right away. With Ashton needing a lot of attention, I didn't know how I'd be able to help all three kids with school work while keeping Ashton busy. So forget it. We are relaxing! We played some rounds of Monopoly. That was fun. Mason killed us. There was no church any time soon so we continued to....relax. No need to get dressed, no need to put on makeup, no need to do much at all, lol! You might say we were a little lazy. Chris was still going to work at this point. That first weekend we went to the desert in the motorhome with Russ and Darcy's family, the Stinson's, and the Mathis's. It was nice to get away and have what felt like a little normalcy. Today the desert is shut down. You can't even get out there anymore. Week 2 rolled around with an announcement of not knowing when school would start up again so the schools posted websites of learning activities the kids could do at home on the computer. I realized I needed to get it together and get some kind of a routine going. So once week 2 came, I was ready. We started a rotation. One kid would play the piano for 15 minutes, one kid would play with Ashton, and one kid would be with me in my room homeschooling. When the piano player's time was up, they would join the other playing with Ashton until the one homeschooling was done. And then we'd rotate until everyone did all 3 stations. It worked great. It took some time so we'd take a break between one of the rotations and eat lunch and then get back at it. I added a morning exercise to our routine that second week. We'd start the morning with stretching, push ups and sit ups. (Mason has a deal with Grandpa Tanner that he does push ups and practice basketball drills at home during this quarantine since their basketball practices have been put on hold. Chris or I does the basketball drills with him in the evening.) Once our rotations were done, the kids could have time to play or do whatever they wanted. Later, we'd go on a bike ride down a couple blocks where the kids could ride on a little dirt track in the neighborhood with little dips that are fun to ride on. I also started having the kids take some time each day to practice typing. Why not? Might as well learn a new helpful skill. That's been fun for them-something new. We had a cool experience that second Sunday of no church. We had our own little family sacrament meeting. Chris blessed the bread and water and Mason passed it out to us. So that was cool. At first I was going to the grocery store a couple times a week but I'm now only going once a week. Since my parents are over 65, they shouldn't be going out in public much so we've been bringing groceries to them. I put them in their garage, we say hi from a few feet away and they wipe everything down with clorox wipes. 

Annie's teacher started doing class meetings on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays so that they could connect as a class. Mrs. Mitchell started doing Flipgrids where the kids can go to an app and watch short videos of each other answering a questions like "What have you been up to?" or "Show us your talent". Annie loves it so we started one with a group of her friends and Paige started one with a group of her friends also. Mason goes online to Google Hangouts now and then and chats with his buddies from school. It's nice the kids can still connect with their friends. Mandatory school is going to start on April 13th. Mason will use our laptop, and the girls were able to both borrow laptops from the school. We bought headphones on Amazon so we are ready for that to start next week. 

Our week 3 went the same as week 2 and now we're here on week 4 and it's our spring break so we're taking a break from homeschooling but we're still continuing our morning exercises and then doing rotations with one person on the piano, one person typing, and one person playing with Ashton. Then hangout time afterwards. We've been watching some fun movies in the evenings. I had all the kids watch a movie from my childhood, Pollyanna, and they LOVED it! I rated it  a 10, Chris gave it a 10, Mason gave it an 8, Annie gave it a 9 and Paige gave it an 8. We also watched The Ugly Dachsund (another movie from my childhood). I gave it another 10 (maybe I'm easy to please? Or maybe it's just because I love watching movies from when I was a kid?), Chris gave it an 8, Mason gave it an 8 1/2, Annie gave it a 9, and Paige gave it a 10. Ashton just plays on my phone while we're watching the movie. I'll have to think of some more good ones to show them. I've also been reading Anne of Green Gables to the girls and Harry Potter to Mason at night and we've been loving that.

Last Sunday was General Conference. I made french toast with cream cheese and fresh strawberry syrup. SO yummy. And bacon. The prophet announced 6 months ago to not miss it and that it would be an unforgettable conference. Little did he know HOW unforgettable it would be considering the state of the entire world right now. Oh I haven't mentioned that all missionaries outside the US have been sent home to their families. Crazy. The whole conference was good and uplifting and focused on the Restoration of the church. But our family agreed that the end was the most special. The prophet led us in a "Hosanna Shout" and then we all sang The Spirit of God while the choir sang a special part in the background. We all felt the spirit and it was very cool. Next Sunday is Easter Sunday and we'll be at home once again. It'll be fun though spending Easter all day at home.

Paige's birthday was April 3rd, right in the middle of this quarantine! I think she still had a good birthday though. She wanted to open her gifts first thing. She got a big Our Generation horse, A new Our generation doll, and then some little things like a yo yo, walkie talkies, barbie clothes, notebook with gel pens, bath bombs, bracelet making kit, and a hat. I made omelets and fresh juice for breakfast, Paige's choice, but then she realized after her first bite that she doesn't really like omelets, lol. Chris, Mason, and I loved them. We went on a family bike ride, and Chris even took some time off from his non stop work to join us. And then for lunch we piled in the car with a picnic lunch, drove over to the bluff over looking Ponto, and crammed in the back with the trunk open, and ate lunchables, blackberries, cucumbers, caprisuns, Milano cookies, and watched the ocean while we ate. After that, Paige and Annie were excited to play with the new toys and later we played with sidewalk chalk outside. We also decorated cupcakes and played Monopoly. The game went too long so we never actually finished. But let's be serious, I probably would have won. Paige got outside visits from Grandma and Grandpa Carr who gave her a hummingbird feeder, and later Grandma and Grandpa Tanner stopped by for a visit and gave her $20 and two decorative giraffes, her favorite animal. She requested ribs for dinner so we smoked those in the Traeger and they were delicious! Overall, a fun day to celebrate our favorite 7 year old. 

The kids have been so positive during all of this craziness. I think we have a good balance of being productive and having down time. That first week I felt so bad for the kids because it was SO sudden to not be going to school and not seeing their friends and teachers. And then no activities at all like gymnastics and play practice and piano lessons and church, etc. They've handled it all so well. But then last night, after all of the kids were supposed to be in bed, Paige came in because she couldn't sleep and Annie came in soon after and poor Annie broke down. She buried her face in my shoulder and cried while asking when life was going to get back to normal. It broke my heart. She misses school. She misses her friends. She's sad her play (Aladdin) is cancelled that they had worked so hard on. She misses her after school activities. She misses normal LIFE. I told her to hang in there and know that life WILL BE NORMAL AGAIN. But we have to be patient. So here were are. Hanging in there and making the best of this crazy, insane, unbelievable situation that we have found ourselves in.

WEEK 1 PICS:

 Kiddos playing a round of Monopoly outside. 

Mason showing us his winnings after he won another round of Monopoly.

Annie had us all do a boat challenge. Boys against girls. Boys won...BARELY.

I showed the kids how to make a homemade pot pie. They did great! Here's Annie chopping up the chicken to be cooked.

Paige holding the pie crust.

Putting the pie crust into the dish.

Yummmmmmmm! Look at that goodness.

Ready to put in the oven!

  

Back at it!

I am so up and down with blogging and journaling. I've decided (today, lol) that blogging makes sense because it's like a family journal for me and my family. It's been a couple years so where do I even start?! We take LOTS of pictures so I'll just count those as my journaling for the years I skipped. 2019.....it's been a year of ER visits for our family. 4 total, and hopefully no more.

ER visit #1: Annie broke her arm January 1, 2019. We were camping in the desert with 2 other families. The Tanners and the Glaziers. The night we got there, Annie was up in the bunk making her bed. We had been there maybe a half hour. One of the sleeping bags was super slippery so as she was moving around on it, she slipped right off the bed, onto the floor, her hand breaking her fall, breaking her elbow in the process. At first, we didn't realize how bad it actually was. She lied on the couch and cried from the pain but overall, she was so tough about it and we didn't know it was actually broken. She refused to move her arm at all so that was a red flag to me but we still thought she was ok. We could have packed up and went to a hospital but Annie said she was ok so stay there. So tricky knowing what to do in this situation because it was late at night, a hospital was far away, and we were basically in the middle of nowhere. We made a homemade sling out of one of Ashton's blankets and a day later, she was up playing with her friend, Tasha, who we were camping with and even riding the quad one handed! 4 days later, we were home and Annie's elbow still looked swollen and she still refused to bend her arm. I took her to the doc where the doctor took one look at it and said "Her elbow is broken. 100%." What?! Part of me wasn't surprised but a part of me was very surprised. He told us to go straight to Rady Children's hospital in San Diego. So that's what we did. They X-rayed her elbow and casted it up (in a pretty pink) for 3 weeks. The first Xray they did didn't show a super obvious break but showed obvious blood puddled around the bone which meant a break. When we went back 3 weeks later, they X-rayed it again and the X-ray showed new bone growth, which confirmed that she had broken it in the first place. Annie was a total trooper. She handled the whole situation so well...she is a tough cookie!

Annie with her camping buddy, Tasha, playing in the desert with her broken arm that we didn't know was broken yet!

Annie, the day she got her cast on at Rady Children's Hospital.

ER visit #2: Ashton broke his finger July 26, 2019. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was reading Willy Wonka to my 3 older kids who were in their beds. It was about 8:30pm. Ashton and Chris were out in the garage because Chris was working on his mountain bike. The bike was upside down on the ground and Ashton was having fun spinning the wheel around and around. They were sitting right next to each other. Suddenly I hear Ashton scream and then cry. I stop reading and wait for a minute because I knew Chris was out there with him so I was waiting for Chris to calm him down. Then I hear Chris yell “Erin!!! We have to go to the ER...RIGHT NOW” My heart dropped. I had no idea in that moment what had happened and how bad whatever it was. Scariest feeling EVER. I cupped my hands over my mouth and started shaking because in a moment like that, you can’t help but think the worst. I told the kids as calmly as I could (which probably wasn’t very calm) that dad and I need to go to the hospital because something happened to Ashton. I threw Chris’ phone to Mason and said we’d call him and that everything was going to be ok. The kids started crying and Mason immediately asked “What happened to him?! Is he going to be ok?? At that point I still had no clue what happened so I think I said “I don’t know!” Part of what made the moment so scary was that nothing is ever a big deal to Chris. Nothing. There’s never a need to go to the hospital for anything....ever. (He has literally had broken bones before and not gone to the hospital.) So my point is that him yelling those words scared me to death. After I gave Mason my phone, I grabbed my purse and stumbled through the garage as quick as I could knocking over the darn mountain bike in the process. (I found out later there was a bucket of oil balanced on a shelf in there that luckily I hadn’t knocked over because I think I knocked over everything else.) Chris was holding Ashton wrapped in a blanket on his lap and I got in the driver seat and we headed to Scripps Encinitas ER. That’s when I finally quietly asked Chris “Is he going to be ok?” Chris said “Yeah.” I could breathe again. Then I asked “What happened to him??” Chris told me that he was spinning the wheel. Ashton reached out to touch and he said “NO.” Chris turned to switch the gears and when he looked back, Ashton had reached out and stuck is finger right in the brake rotor (that round spiky metal part around the back tire) and it sliced him. There was A LOT of blood and he knew Ashton would need stitches. Mason called on our way to the hospital. Chris told him everything would be ok and that he and the girls need to say a prayer for Ashton and for them to feel better. Mason told him they already did. That got me choked up and teary eyed. I called my mom and she and my dad went straight to our house to be with the 3 kids. Poor little Ashton just whimpered on the drive to the hospital asking over and over for a kiss on his owie. Broke my heart. When we got to the ER, Chris went straight in and I parked the car. When I got inside, it was right when a doctor was coming in to see what happened. This was the first time I was able to see as well. Chris moved the blanket and both of us lost it. Chris hadn’t realized how bad it actually was. His left index finger was twisted out towards his thumb, looking like it was close to dangling, bone exposed. We couldn’t believe it. Chris choked out the words “I didn’t know it was this bad!” I think we both thought in that moment that Ashton might actually lose his finger. I could obviously go on and on but this is already way too long for Instagram. Various doctors came in and needed to see for themselves (poor Ashton screaming every time we had to move that awful blanket). They gave him morphine, splinted and wrapped his finger, and finally was transferred by ambulance to Rady Children’s hospital because they said Ashton needed to see a children’s hand specialist right away. It is true that when your kid is hurt, you’d do anything to take the pain away. Wish it upon yourself-ANYTHING. It was the most helpless feeling in the world knowing there was nothing I could do to take that terrible pain away from my boy. The doctor at Children’s told us that Ashton’s nerves had been severed on the inside of his index finger so we won’t know for a while if Ashton will have feeling there. The ligaments on the inside were also cut so the cast is necessary to protect it from dislocating while it heals. But the tendons were all still in tact so he should have full mobility eventually. No surgery needed. He was sedated, sewed up, casted, and we were sent home with antibiotics at about 3:00am.

Ashton's little left index finger before the doctor wrapped him up at Scripps Hospital in Encinitas.

Ashton, sitting on dad's lap in the ER, waiting to be transferred to Rady Children's Hospital.

A picture the doctor took of Ashton's finger right before he sewed him up.

At Rady Children's Hospital right after being sewed up and casted. It was so hard to wake him up because it was 3:00 in the morning so he was soooo tired.

Eating a cupcake at Annie's birthday party the next day.

ER visit #3: Ashton's finger and cast brought us to the ER in Reno, Nevada on August 7, 2019. Chris and I decided to give Ashton a bath while we were on vacation with the family in Lake Tahoe. We slipped his cast protector on and put him in the bath. I washed him and got him out and when we got him out of the tub, we realized the cast protector had a bunch of water puddled inside. What?!?! We took it off and realized that his whole cast was not just a little wet, but completely soaked. Water kept dripping out of the thumb hole. We called the hospital in San Diego and learned that we'd have to take Ashton to the ER in Reno to take the cast off because infection was a big concern. That night we sat with him and a blow drier, trying to dry the cast as best we could. The next morning, Chris and I drove an hour to the Children's hospital in Reno. Taking the cast off was terrible. Turns out this specific children's hospital doesn't do casts. That was unfortunate news. So....when the guy came in to take Ashton's cast off, I could see the fear in his eyes. This guy was nervous to do what he was about to do. About a half hour later, the cast was off but it left Ashton traumatized and there was an actual burn on his little arm from the tool he used to take the cast off. It was awful. Absolutely awful. He had to cut the cast around 8 times and it took forever and was loud and I swore I wouldn't let anyone put another cast on him because I couldn't put him through that again. The finger looked like it was healing well. They wrapped it up and when we went to Children's hospital in San Diego a few days later, they told us we needed to put it back into a cast. No!!!!! But they said that the risk if him re-injuring his finger was too great without a cast on. We go in this Monday to get the cast off so we'll get to see how his finger is doing and find out what the next step is. So we've been avoiding pools and beaches as much as possible because he does not like putting the new cast protector on. Overall, he's a trooper with the cast and doesn't complain about it at all. It's cute how quickly he's adapted to the fact that he only has one hand right now. He'll sometimes use his little cast thumb that sticks out to hold things. Cutie. We learned weeks later after getting the cast removed, that the reason his cast got wet in the tub in Tahoe was because there were teeny tiny holes all over it from being rubbed and scratched on the rough rocks at the beach. So once he was in the tub, the water slowly filled up the protector and we had no idea. 

Back in the ER, this time in Reno while on vacation at Lake Tahoe.

Picture of his finger after they took the cast off and before they wrapped it up.

ER visit #4: I went to the ER for terrible stomach pain on Friday, August 30, 2019. My stomach had been hurting for about 5 days and each day it was getting a little worse. Thursday night it hurt so bad in the middle of the night that I couldn't sleep and thought about going to the ER. Something just felt wrong. Chris and the 3 older kids went to the river Friday afternoon and I was going to go with them but I was getting worse so Ashton and I stayed home. My stomach was killing me and I had a small fever/chills. It hurt to walk, sit, everything. I actually went to the doctor's office Friday morning and the doctor had me get some blood tests done and told me to see how it goes over the weekend. Our friend from church, Steve Groke, is an ER doctor and happened to be at my parents house Friday afternoon while I was talking to my dad on the phone about my symptoms. So Steve recommended going to the hospital he works at that night (Pomorado Hospital in Poway). At about 10:00 pm, I decided it was a good idea to go to the ER. The pain was not going away and it would be helpful to have Steve there to avoid the long waits. So my mom took me and my dad stayed at the house while Ashton slept. Because of Steve, we got in right away and they took my blood and I had a CT scan done. It didn't take long for Steve to come in and break the news that I have Diverticulitis. I could not believe it. The same disease that my dad has, that has had him hospitalized multiple times, and has even had surgery for. The news shocked me. They put me on antibiotics and sent me home. The pain lasted for a few more days, almost another week. But finally it went away. So now I'm trying to not eat as much and drinking a ton of water in hopes that that'll help my stomach digest food easier. Not sure if it makes a difference but I know I should have been drinking more water anyway. I see a GI specialist in about a month and we'll go from there. Probably will need a colonoscopy to see how bad it is. Hoping the stomach pain doesn't come back!

At Pomorado Hospital right before they told me I have Diverticulitis.

So those are our 4 ER visits. It's been crazy the past few months and the year started out rocky with Annie's arm. Paige stayed home sick from school for 2 days last week with a stomach virus and Annie stayed home for 2 days this week with a stomach virus also. But everyone is doing well now...knock on wood! Here's to staying healthy!

Baby Blues

Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression are a real thing and it sucks. I had postpartum depression after I had Mason and it was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. So hard, it made me scared to ever have another baby because I never wanted to feel like that again. But we didn't want just one child. After I had Annie, I didn't have postpartum depression but I definitely had the "baby blues". I'd randomly cry and I felt sad that it wasn't just me and Mason anymore. But I got over it pretty quickly and soon couldn't imagine life without her! After I had Paige I didn't really have postpartum depression or baby blues because I never cried or felt like crying like I did after having the first two. But I did have feelings of regret because Paige was very hard as a new baby. She cried almost constantly, especially in the evenings, and I remember thinking that I didn't know how I was going to get through this and wished we had stopped after having 2. So I guess those feelings were some type of postpartum emotions because obviously I didn't actually regret having her. Of course, we got through that and she quickly became our most snuggly and affectionate child and couldn't get enough of her. I still can't get enough of her and she's almost 4! It's like I have to go through these really hard times every time we have a new baby before I can really enjoy our new family life. Hard and annoying but so worth it. It's been 11 days since having Ashton and I still find myself crying randomly. It's not as bad as I've had in the past though. For example, I have absolutely no feelings of regret or wishing we had stuck with just 3 kids. I love this new baby boy so much it hurts. I find myself not wanting to put him down because I love holding him so much. He is so sweet and I can't stop kissing his chubby cheeks. But I still cry. I normally hate "Hallmark" movies because they're so sappy but that's all I feel like watching lately! Wholesome goodness. Lol! I'd categorize this 4th baby postpartum feelings as the "baby blues". Just feeling randomly sad sometimes and crying here and there. I don't really feel like chatting with anyone. I get a little sad sometimes when I realize that things are different now with a baby and I really long for things to feel 100% normal like right before we had Ashton. I know it will all become a new normal soon and I can't wait for that. This is my 4th time going through this, each time is a little different and even though I'm going through these frustrating emotions once again, I consider it a blessing that I have the unconditional love for Ashton that I do with absolutely no feelings of regret that postpartum emotions can sometimes trick you into feeling. And for that I am very thankful. I think for the first time, I'm actually enjoying the newborn phase. In the past, I haven't enjoyed it. I'd get actual anxiety before bedtime knowing I wasn't going to sleep well at all. This time around, at bed time, I just snuggle in bed with Ashton, surrounded by blankets and pillows and turn the TV on and just enjoy holding him. It feels really good to finally enjoy this phase. Only took 4 times to get here!

Ashton Tanner Carr

Ashton Tanner Carr is here! He made his debut on January 25th, 2017 and we're all in love. He is so sweet and mellow and just a bundle of pure goodness. He came at 1:11 in the afternoon and weighed a whopping 9 pounds 8 ounces and was 20 inches long. He came a week and 2 days early which was pretty surprising to me. But I guess it shouldn't be too surprising since I had been dilated to a 5 and 70% effaced for a week. I knew it could happen any time.

I started having regular contractions right at midnight on the 25th. They were consistently 4-5 minutes apart and after about 15 minutes of them, I woke Chris up and let him know. Things happened very similar with Annie, and with her, after 3 hours of consistent contractions and already being dilated to a 4 for over a week, the contractions turned painful quickly and I was dilated to an 8 and in A LOT of pain by the time I got to the hospital. I did NOT want that to happen again so as soon as I noticed these regular contractions, I got nervous. I called my mom and let her know this could be it. She and my dad recommended waiting a half hour or so, so Chris went back to bed and I started getting ready to go to the hospital...just in case. I did my hair and got the last minute things packed into my bag. My mom stayed awake at her house and we texted back and forth for a while. I'd text her every time I had a contraction. They ranged from 2 minutes to 8 minutes but averaged 5 minutes apart. After over 2 hours I got one that felt stronger than all the others and that was all I needed to feel to make the decision to stop waiting and get to the hospital. This baby was coming! I was so nervous but so excited at the same time. 9 months of waiting and the time was finally here to meet this baby boy.

My parents came over and Chris and I headed to the hospital. I was still having regular contractions but they were not painful. The hospital I delivered at was Scripps Encinitas and only about 15-20 minutes away. So far, it wasn't turning out like labor with Annie like I was afraid of. We weren't speeding to get there because I wasn't in any pain. I kept waiting for the pain to hit but it didn't. I started wondering if this was all just false labor. We checked in, they put me in a room, I changed, and then the nurse came in to see where I was at. I assumed after having all of these contractions that I had to be more than a 5. Turns out, I was dilated to a....5. Ugh I was frustrated. What did this even mean?! So the nurse said what they wanted me to do was pace around the room (or hospital, but I preferred the room) for and hour and a half and see if that did anything. If not, they might say to go home. If I dilated more, I'd be admitted. So the pacing started. Chris lied down and I started walking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. This was actually pretty awful because when I'm pregnant and due, the pressure I get is pretty bad and I have to take sitting breaks, not because I'm tired but because I start feeling like my body is falling apart. After an hour I called the nurse in. I told her that I was pretty sure this wasn't changing anything. I was still getting contractions but nothing more intense. She checked me and said I was now dilated to a 6! That was surprising. So now what? The nurse went and talked to the doctor and came back and said that since I was dilated to a 6, this was going to happen eventually and going home didn't make much sense, especially because they knew I really wanted an epidural before the painful contractions really started. This was it! We were having a baby!

Once I was admitted, the nurse recommended getting things done quickly because the contractions could get worse any minute. The plan was to get the paperwork signed, get my water broken, and then get the epidural right away. So that's what they did. Once my water was broken, the anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epidural. He did awesome. I've had bad experiences in the past so I was pretty nervous to get the epidural and I started crying. Not because it even hurt. I don't know why I started crying because I seriously barely felt it! Well, turns out my body does not react well to getting epidurals. Something similar happened when I got one with one of my previous babies. Can't remember which one. Anyway, after he did it, I started feeling really weird. My heart rate went crazy. I felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. When I said something about it, I heard the nurse say in a concerned voice to the anesthesiologist, "Heart rate is 163." That didn't sound good. I then said I did not feel well. I literally felt like life was being sucked out of me. I don't know how else to describe it. My closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing. It's all I could think to do because I could tell I was about to have a panic attack. Then I heard the nurse say, "Blood pressure is 60 over 30." That didn't sound good either. I was panicking inside. I asked if I was going to pass out or stop breathing. The anesthesiologist said no and that everything would be ok. He gave me a shot of something to get my blood pressure under control and that made all the difference. My blood pressure and heart rate stabilized, and I could feel color coming back to my face. In fact, the nurse even said "Your lips have color again." I guess my lips and face had gone white during all of that craziness.

The baby remained stable during all of that, thank goodness. My contractions were regular but too far apart. They were about 6 minutes apart and not super strong. So they gave me a little pitocin to get things going. That helped and soon they were getting closer together. They checked me and I was at about an 8. At one point the nurse checked me again and that examination went on waaaay too long. Why was this taking so long? She finished and said, "I'm going to be honest. That was the strangest examination I have ever done." What the heck did that mean?! Don't say things like that to me! She said not long before, the baby's head was down where it was supposed to me and everything was looking good. But that time, she said the baby's head was just...GONE. WHAT?! So I asked, "What does that mean??" She said that the baby might have decided to flip inside which meant that I could not deliver vaginally. Then I lost it. I covered my face with my hands and started balling. Not that having a C-section is the worst thing ever of course, but that was never my plan and it freaked me out hearing that and I lost it. Chris was sweet and tried comforting me but I was just too upset and couldn't stop crying. So then the doctor came in and checked for herself. Turns out I had a SECOND bag of water in there and it was blocking the baby's head and that's why the nurse couldn't find it. So weird! I didn't know there could be multiple bags of water. So she popped it and things continued.

Once I was a 10, they had me push and the contractions were just too far apart at that time and the baby wasn't quite low enough so they decided it was pointless to try to push him out. So we waited a little bit longer. Finally, the contractions were very close together and the baby's head was very low and ready. I pushed through I think 3 or 4 contractions and out he came! We were all pretty surprised at how big he was. We had been guessing around the 7 pound area because I was over a week early. They put him directly on my chest and it was an amazing moment. He was very calm and just lied there. Only cried for a second. He was purplish but no one seemed alarmed so I guess that was ok. I just lied there holding him, feeling so grateful that he was here safe and everything was ok. Chris and my mom were by my side the entire time, which was very nice.

I decided I didn't want visitors after having Ashton because I was incredibly nervous about the surgery that I was about to have. Chris and I knew we wanted to be done having kids after Ashton so we decided I'd get my tubes tied. The reason I was so nervous is because they'd be delivering medicine through the catheter from the original epidural and said there is a possibility that I could have the same reaction I had earlier. Well that reaction was AWFUL so I was pretty nervous about having to go through that again. I felt bad telling my sister, Kim and Chris' mom that visitors weren't a good idea. Normally I'd love for visitors to come meet the new baby, but not this time. My sister, Courtney didn't know we didn't want visitors so she and Troy showed up but it was totally fine. Fun to see some family members and show off our new little addition. I was super bummed that my kids couldn't come because the timing with the surgery made it so that it wouldn't work for them to come visit. We ended up going home the next day so the kids never even came to the hospital, which I was really bummed about but we were very ready to go home that next day. Chris and I don't sleep well at all in hospital beds. So the first time they met the kids was right outside our house. We got home right when my mom got home from picking up Mason and Annie from school. It was so fun to see them see Ashton for the first time. The tubal surgery went well. They knew how nervous I was so they gave me some anxiety medication which must have helped because I didn't panic at all. I was awake for the surgery and there was just a big blue sheet in front of my face so I couldn't see anything. Chris stayed in the hospital room with Ashton during the surgery.

Annie got the flu 4 days after Ashton was born which was super stressful for me. That's the last thing you want to deal with after having a baby! Chris took over taking care of the kids while I banned myself and Ashton to our bedroom to avoid the sickness spreading. Then all 3 kids got pretty bad colds. Ugh so frustrating. They all still have colds but Mason and Annie are slowly getting better. Paige on the other hand still has a pretty bad cold. I'm bummed they all have to stay away from the baby.

Ashton's due date was yesterday and he's already 9 days old! Things are going really well. The hardest part has been dealing with annoying postpartum emotions but even that is starting to go away, thank goodness. (I struggle with that part. It's just not fun crying randomly and feeling so emotional!) He is very sweet and very alert when he's awake and only cries when he's hungry or tired. That's when all babies cry, right? Wrong! Paige cried all. Of. The. Time. Poor girl was just uncomfortable all the time. So far, Ashton does not seem to be that way. A constantly upset baby is VERY hard. He got circumcised today. Something both Chris and I have been dreading but it went well. Chris was with him and I was in the room next door. So in 7-10 days he should be all healed. We sure love our newest little addition.

A New Year: January 2017

Wow, it's been a while. Time to get this thing going again. Being consistent with journal writing goes in phases with me so I'm thinking I could be better using the blog. 

Well, I am 39 weeks pregnant in 2 days! Almost there! I had my prenatal appointment yesterday and I am dilated to a FIVE and 70-80% effaced!! I was dilated to a 4 with either Annie or Paige for a couple weeks but I've never just been home living life normally at a 5. It's January 24th...8 days until February 1st, which is when I'm trying to make it to. I think it would be fun for my family to then have consecutive monthly birthdays in February, March, April, May, June, July. Haha! But I'm not sure I'll make it 8 more days! 

Let's see...Chris is still at Chase Bank. He's been doing great at work and was announced as one of the top employees recently and finally got a raise. Boo-yah!! He broke his foot over 3 months ago hitting a rock while dirt bike riding and still isn't better. He's ready to get active again playing basketball and paddle boarding but he can't because it foot still hurts. :( That hasn't stopped him from going on two dirt bike rides recently though.

Mason is in third grade now and doing great. His teacher says he's one of the best students. Third grade is definitely the toughest so far. He's having to memorize lots multiplication facts and he's learning a new math concept it seems every week. He gets stressed but he's doing really well. He's still taking piano lessons from my mom and doing really well. It's hard learning new songs and he's learning to play with both hands at the same time and gets pretty frustrated during practice but he's hanging in there. He has been taking swim lessons for the past few months and really loving it. He seems to be a natural at swimming. Sometimes the other kids are faster but when you compare technique, Mason has the techniques DOWN. It's so cool to watch. He has never shown much interest in sports (except basketball which he plays at recess at school), so it's fun to see him learning to love a sport. His favorite stroke is the breaststroke. His best friends at school are Zachary and Luke. 

Annie is in first grade and doing great! She was Student of the Month last week and we're so proud of her! Her teacher says she is very kind, helps others, and works really hard. She's getting good at reading and tries very hard. She doesn't complain when it's time to do homework, even if she doesn't want to. She is also very helpful at home. When I ask the kids to clean up, Annie is always the first to start. She asks me lots of questions about life and thinks a lot about her future. Lately she asked me about my college experience and wanted to tell me all of the things she wants to do when she grows up. She wants to be a mom but also thinks about being a school teacher, gymnastics teacher, ballet teacher, and a veterinarian. Annie goes to a ballet class every Wednesday evening. She says because of ballet, she now loves to stretch and feels so good when she does. :) Her teachers are awesome and Annie is doing great. She's also taking piano lessons from my mom and doing really well. She had her first piano recital last month and did awesome! She is very into fashion. She takes her time thinking of her outfit every day and her favorite gifts she got for Christmas were all the clothes. ;) She is also very social and loooves being with her friends. Her best friends are Liv and Evelyn.

Paige is 3 and home with me every day. She is my little snugly buddy and I love her companionship. She still sucks her thumb and grabs my ear when we snuggle next to each other. I love it and want her to stay 3 forever! She's our most adventurous child, usually up for pretty much anything. She LOVES camping trips with Chris. I take her to the local library puppet show every Friday where she gets to see a few friends from church. She also loves being a Sunbeam at church. She'll start preschool in the Fall. 

Life is good. Busy and good. I'm really excited to have this baby boy! (Who we still don't have a name for!) As excited as I am about him, I'm also very excited to be done being pregnant forever! Chris and I are ready to move on to the next stages in life. Which will make us enjoy this last baby even more, knowing he's our last.  

Mason Starts First Grade

Mason had his second day of first grade today. He goes to La Costa Meadows Elementary school. I'm always nervous before school. Will he like school? Will his teacher be nice? Will he understand everything? Will he make new friends?

I missed him immediately after dropping him off yesterday. I was excited to pick him up at 3:10. When I asked him if he had a good first day he said "Yep!" He said his most favorite part is that he has his very own desk. With his name on it and a cubby and it's all his own, for the whole year. His least favorite part was P.E. He said it was too hot and boring. (He got very sunburned so I'll be putting sunscreen on him every day from now on.) But besides P.E. being too hot and boring, he absolutely loves school. I asked him if his teacher is nice. He said "My teacher is TOO nice!" meaning he loves her.

I don't know why I get so worried about him before school starts. I guess it's my job. A friend reminded me of that today. Mason continues to surprise me each year. I'm realizing that he's got his life pretty much under control. This kid loves school. Good thing since it'll be a huge chunk of his life for the next 16 years. Many parents worry about the adjustment going from short kindergarten days to all day. I asked him if he wishes he was back at kindergarten going only 3 hours to school or if he likes going 6 hours to school. His reply: "6!" That a boy, Mason. I love that my girls have such a good example to look up to.